I learned how to be confident in Korea,
holding my head high, high heels
announcing my presence,
steps echoing in a still-quiet subway station.
I learned how to be confident in Korea
starting with lip tint – for the moisturizer,
then lipstick – it was a gift,
now BB cushions,
oil cleanser,
concealer,
and double lash mascara.
I learned how to be confident in Korea
hearing unearned affirmations
praise for physical traits
previously disregarded
an anthem now follows in my wake:
Small face
Small face
Small face
Your face is SO small!
I learned when confidence fails me in Korea,
when despite heat and oil, my hair stretches her frizz high and wide
rebelling at the worst time,
on a morning missing mascara.
When the office is quiet, save for a hello or two,
critical eyes pass over my hair, face, body
and say
nothing.
Yet in crucial moments, a warrior emerges
sword lifted high against
stereotypes,
gender roles
and fat-shaming rhetoric – relics of my code of honor.
False confidence shed and armor donned,
I catch battles at every turn,
from bus to lunchroom,
in sight-seeing and church-going
but I in my righteous fight am far outnumbered.
The warrior retreats.
So I slip back into my new confidence,
and on a day when I’m dressed up nice,
I slide open the office door and announce my presence,
counting down the seconds until the first compliment
confirming
that I am indeed
Beautiful.
Monica Heilman is a 2014-2016 ETA at Yeongdo Girls’ High School in Busan. She previously taught at Gimhae Jeil High School in Gimhae, Gyeongsangnam-do.